


한 (Han)

by SadDepressoEspresso



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But that doesn’t excuse all of their behaviour, Changed some things, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, For once in her life, Heavy Angst, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, I think????, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, It is loving Lance hours, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) Needs a Hug, Langst, Let Lance be happy 2020, Might add a second part from voltrons perspective, Misplaced humour, No Beta, Team as Family, The Author Regrets Nothing, The team is stressed, Yes I love him shut up!, bc I am an Idiot who forgets to text potential betas, please read the notes, seriously take care of yourself!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:41:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27138151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SadDepressoEspresso/pseuds/SadDepressoEspresso
Summary: Han: "A complex emotional cluster often translated as 'resentful sorrow.‘“-(Korean expression)Lance felt aloneKeith was gone, shortly after they had a heartfelt conversationThe team didn’t need himHe was replaceableA lonerThat is until he stumbles over a witch that offers him a solution to most of his problemsFriendship
Relationships: Allura & Coran & Hunk & Keith & Lance & Pidge | Katie Holt & Shiro, Allura & Coran & Lance (Voltron), Allura & Lance (Voltron), Allura/Romelle (Voltron), Haggar & Lance (Voltron), Hunk & Lance & Pidge | Katie Holt, Keith & Lance (Voltron), Keith/Lance (Voltron), Lance & Lotor (Voltron), but like the romantic ones are v minor
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32





	한 (Han)

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so quick changes:  
> Allura is not the princess of Altea, but Lotor is the Prince (basically Lotor takes Allura’s place)  
> But Allura is still Altean and able to perform magic and witchcraft (she is basically like haggar a Druid)  
> On the topic of Haggar: she takes Corans place  
> And Coran works together with Allura  
> (Btw: Haggar and Lotor aren’t bad guys and haggar is actually like the dope wine aunt bc that is a hc I just had and I’m vibing with it oh and she is not corrupted so like, Lotor is only altean, and haggar is referred to as Honvera)  
> So yeet  
> Also quick footnote:  
> Lance’s behaviour and thoughts are irrational, yes. But often times in this negative state you focus on the things that support your thoughts, so yes Lance‘s mind is really screwing hm over, but this is a common way of thought.
> 
> And yes, the rest of the team messed up and while they are all stressed and they didn’t intentionally want to hurt anybody but they did. And they should be held accountable.  
> They acted wrongly but they are all trying their best, so yeah :)

To put it mildly, Lance was really tired and pretty close to falling asleep on the spot while trotting behind the other Paladins, who were all animatedly chatting with each other.  
At least he assumed that's what they were doing, judging by the way that Pidge finally laughed again while Hunk gave them a piggy back ride, and Honvera , Lotor and Shiro too seemed to enjoy the walk.   
Lance couldn’t remember the last time his team looked this relaxed, especially without Keith and with the Galran attacks that seemed to multiply.  
And If they were happy, Lance was happy too, after all it was nice to see his friends enjoy themselves, even if he was not part of their happiness.

Today they were supposed to sleep in, no training and no detected Galras.  
And that was exactly what Lance needed, a good nights sleep, which he usually didn’t get, between all the attacks and his insomnia keeping him awake.

Nowadays Lance spent the night patrolling the castleship, making sure that even their local insomniacs (read: Pidge and Shiro... and sometimes Lotor when he was engrossed in work) went to bed and at least get some sleep and trying to learn Altean.  
He needed to be useful somehow, after all he was no valuable contribution to the team, and if he wanted to stay a Paladin he’d need to improve himself!

And since he usually couldn’t sleep until he passed out from exhaustion, he got about 3 hours of sleep (on a good day), which was why he loved the rare occasion of them having a day off, in which he could try and get some of the sleep he missed.

But apparently the Universe had other Plans for him when the castle came close to a huge space mall.

So now Lance was following the others, sleep deprived to the core, and in desperate need of the space equivalent of coffee (the only good thing about this day was that Lance found a coffee store-ish place and had enough GAC to burry himself in coffee beans). 

And soon, Pidge and Hunk ran off to the technology shops (aisles?) and Shiro, Honvera and Lotor went off doing their own thing.  
The only affirmation that Lance was still existing was when Honvera, bless her, slipped him some money with an apologetic look on her face and mouthed a ‚sorry‘ before Lotor dragged her away. 

* * *

So now Lance was on his own, strolling around the halls of this huge place, searching for a place to spend the next hours until the others would scream at him for being late for their meet up, because they always forgot to tell him when and where they would reunite. 

Sighing he decided to check out a place that was called „ _ **Retrouvailles**_ “ it seemed like some sort of Café, not too crowded ( this universe had some form of coffee chain that was even more crowded than Starbucks... seriously half the world is at war, but coffee breaks were necessary) 

Immediately upon entering the shop, Lance was met with a calming, warm aura that made him want to lie down and sleep.

“Hi, welcome to Retrouvailles! How can I help you?“ A female voice tore through his sleepy haze.

„Oh- well, what do you have...?“ Lance mumbled, tiredness seeping into is words and as his eyes finally focused on his surroundings he saw the apparent owner of the voice, an altean woman who shot him a kind smile, before her face pulled into a grimace „Gods, your ears are hideous!“ 

„W-what? My ears-?“ he blushed while automatically raising his hands to cover his ears... wait... his ears? That sounds an awful lot like Lotor‘s first words to the team.

The woman laughed again before handing him a cup of something „Here drink this, it’ll help you focus. Don’t worry it’s only tea.“ 

* * *

After about half an hour Lance found himself coming back to reality and actually feeling a lot more refreshed (which if he was being honest didn’t really count as achievement)  
Upon looking around and finally being able to really scan his surroundings, Lance saw a cozy looking room with all forms of being, all in harmony, wether it was a Galran and another Altean (Lance took mentally note of that, to tell Honvera later) or a Balmeran, Arusians and Olkarians, or just all together.

The interior was reflecting this soft and warm feeling, with comfortable cushions, warm colours, blankets and books.

“Hey! Are you feeling better now? I was really worried that you and your weird ears were going to collapse on the floor.“ the altean Woman from earlier sat next to him, grinning.

“Oh, uh yeah, thank you, how much do I owe you?“ 

At that she laughed: „Don’t worry dear, you needed it more than we need any money, seeing you refreshed and relaxed is more than enough.“ 

„No, I-“ His protests were quickly interrupted by her again...

“If you want to pay for something then for your next order, but I will not accept money for being a decent being. So what can I get you? Just say whatever you want and we can get you that!“ 

And apparently surviving on only 3 hours of sleep for a whole month made Lance incapable of thinking before speaking, because after she finished he immediately said: „You don’t have like... a friend?“

Her face fell into a sad smile, before she nodded while quickly getting some things from the back of the café.

God! He should not have said that she was probably running away calling like the space police- wasn’t Voltron like the space police?- but seriously why did he say that? He should be happy that the other paladins were even putting up with him, he shouldn’t be as ungrateful as to demand more friends. Seriously, why was Lance so selfish? He should just up and leave, yes right now, he’d just wait somewhere for the others and then he’d go back home into his room, learning altean and maybe some Galran, maybe he’d go onto the training deck, now that Keith didn’t hog the entire place 24/7, yes he would be better and then he wouldn’t have to worry about friends anymore because the others would finally include him if he was useful t the team, right?

His stream of thoughts was quickly interrupted, when the woman joined him again with some things in her arms.

„Sorry that it took so long! My uncle misplaced a lot of things. Alright one friend coming up: here!“ She handed him a cup of something, while adding that she was a Druid, after seeing his perplexed face.

“But that's just coffee?“ 

„Yes! I’m Allura, what’s on your mind?“ Allura smiled, before pouring herself a cup of coffee „I figured you may feel more comfortable with something from earth.“ 

Further sinking into the cushions Lance felt himself relaxing and listening to the altean tell him things about herself, her uncle and answering with his own experiences.

Right now Lance felt like he was not a Paladin of Voltron, not the seventh wheel, not the goofball that wasn't a valuable part of the team. He was just Lance.

Of course there was still a part in his brain, telling him that she only pitied him and that she'd leave him, just like everyone else did.

Just like how Hunk left him once he found someone smarter than Lance  
Just like Pidge who left him as soon as they found someone else to be their older brother  
Keith, left him just after they grew closer   
Shiro was never even part of his life  
And Lotor and Honvera saw him as a pawn

They all left him once they found someone or something better, he was replaceable, not needed, a burden, useless, he was nothing, no one-

„Hey! Lance! Get your fucking ass over here! No one wants to hear your pathetic flirting attempts! Now get over here so we can finally. fucking. go!“ Ask and ye shall receive Lance thought, before turning to Allura who pushed something into his hand before hugging him and whispering „Come whenever you need someone okay? No matter what or when I'm here for you. Don't listen to them I had a lot of fun and hope to see you again. But until then farewell Lance McClain“ 

* * *

„What was that? Didn’t you have anything better to do than to flirt with this poor girl? She was clearly uncomfortable-“ Lotor began reprimanding him the second they stepped into the black Lion, flying back to the castle.

“But I didn’t!“ 

„Lance! I know that we all need some way to distract us from the war, but don’t you think that you could use your time.... better?“ Shiro tried to be more diplomatic, at least something. 

„Yeah, yeah I’ll look into other things.“ Was what he settled to say, trying to hold back any negative feelings from seeping into his answer, seriously his team didn’t believe or trust him at all, ouch. That hurt.

„Lance, please take this more seriously.“ Hunk sighed before leaving him alone to talk to Pidge about some weird code they encountered. 

* * *

When they finally reached their ‚Home‘ (At one point he might’ve called it a home, but now this place seemed too cold and unpersonal, too hateful to ever be considered a home to him) Lance quickly slipped away from the others (not that they’d ever notice or care that he was gone).

In his room, he quickly pulled out the transponder Allura handed him, before deciding against harassing her any longer, his team was right... they usually were after all.

They were always right. He was always wrong.

It was really weird to think about how they all changed:

Instead of the excessive team bonding exercises they used to do, they now were split into 2 groups and, well, Lance on his own.

No more laughter echoing through the halls, no gaming nights, no kitchen disasters which lead to a food fight...

Nowadays they weren’t allowed to be teenagers, they were soldiers.

Exchangable

Faceless

Or maybe that was only Lance.

Maybe only Lance hadn’t found his spot in the team, because he couldn’t, because he was the only one without anything special.  
  
A bitter thought crept into his mind  
_There is something you’re special at. There are many things you can do well. You can whine and bitch, you’re great at being a burden to the team, more useless than useless. Don’t forget your incredible talent at annoying people._

 _You’re good at many things, just not the right things.  
_ _You’re good at being a nuisance  
_ _You’re just not fit to be a Paladin  
_ _Not good enough, not good enough  
_ _**If you were more like Keith people would like you!** _ _  
_

* * *

It was already late when Pidge heard someone enter the kitchen and asked them how long they’d been here working

„It’s 3 o`clock come on Pidge, go to bed you can work better when you’re well rested.“ 

Sighing they faced the other, snarky reply on their tongue, before deciding against that and letting themself be guided out of the room, only to fall asleep on the way.

So they didn’t hear the figure sighing   
They didn’t feel getting carried to the couch  
Didn't realise being covered in blankets or the tiny „Love ya too gremlin.“

* * *

After 2 months Keith finally came back to Voltron, with his mother and another Altean, telling them that the Blade currently deemed him to be more useful for Voltron than for their own ranks, since the rebellion was growing stronger and less Blade soldiers were needed. What they needed was a strong team Voltron.

Something impossible without the original red Paladin, Keith.

Something impossible with Lance piloting any of the Lions.

So he excused himself from the festivities, because who wanted to see an extra cry?   
In the end the others would think that Lance was just being an ass again, and honestly he couldn’t find the power to disagree with them, with every mean and sarcastic comment from Pidge, with every disappointed muttering from Shiro, every sad worry from Hunk, every annoyed order from Lotor and ad every meaningless task Honvera gave him (because he was never good enough for anything else)

Voltron needed to show strength and unity

-even if that meant without him.

* * *

After 2 months, Lance finally called Allura again, reduced to a pile of tears and self doubt, all rising up from the depths of his mind.

“Oh dear, Lance, what’s wrong? Do you want to come over or should I come over I can introduce you to my uncle he has some crazy stories that may cheer you up.“

“How would you even get here?“ his lips turned up a little, despite the pain he felt in his heart, the Idea of someone caring enough to voluntarily visit him was giving him some sort of comfort. 

„I told you, I’m a Druid. I can-“

“-Teleport“ a gentle voice said from his right.

And once he felt a pair of arms engulf him, Lance didn’t even have the strength to be shocked, the dam broke and he began spilling all his worries to the only person he currently considered a friend, despite not really knowing her.

That night Lance fell asleep while hugging Allura close to him, no nightmares or self doubts haunting him.

Tonight he was tucked into bed 

Lance finally felt cared for again.

With Allura here, this place might even become his home.

* * *

The next few weeks Lance mostly stayed in his room, practicing his Altean with Allura and Coran, exchanging weird stories and other stuff.

Keith got all the praise, for being mature and hardworking.

Lance got all the hate for slacking off and being annoying 

And while Lance still sometimes piloted Red, he could feel her longing to spend more time with her actual Paladin, Keith, because he might disappear every second. And Lance understood that, he didn’t want Red to suffer, especially not because he was too selfish to give this up and if he was really honest, Lance would love to spend more time wth Keith too, the entire team if he was honest...

... but he saw how much better they performed without him.

He wouldn’t make them suffer for his own happiness, after all: If the people he loved were happy, he was happy too right?  
Even if their happiness doesn’t include him.

Then why did Lance feel so empty?

His happiness didn’t matter, so he shouldn’t complain.

* * *

“Oh Honey, why do you think they wouldn’t like you? You’re amazing, both on the battlefield and in normal life.“ was what Allura said one particularly bad day

“That’s not true. They don’t need me, they don't want me. Why would they?“

There was a sad smile on her face, before she leaned forward to press a chaste kiss to his forehead, whispering into his temple: „If you could see yourself the way that we see you, you’d never doubt yourself again.“ 

That day Allura, Coran and Lance snuck into one of the movie rooms, building a cuddle pile on the couch with Lance in the middle.

When his tears finally dried he felt like he was home again

Allura might not be his actual sister, and Coran may not be his actual father, but at this moment he felt as comfortable with these two as he felt at home in the arms of his family.

* * *

5 weeks, Lance managed to avoid the other members of Voltron for 5 weeks.

But apparently today his luck was worn out, and now he found himself together with the others on a diplomatic mission.

An overnight trip during which they’d share rooms.

Shiro and Keith

Lotor and Honvera

That left Lance in his current situation:  
Sharing a room with Hunk and Pidge, unable to meet up with Allura and Coran, unable to isolate himself. Unable to escape the yellow Paladins worried glances. The only thing Lance did during the time with the other 2 in his room was read (after Pidge’s sarcastic commented: ‚Didn’t think I’d see you with a book that is not a comic or a playboy’ now logically he new that that was just Pidge, but it still hurt) or engaged in some small talk, the type of talking that you did when you were with someone you didn’t really know... and of whom you were still kind of weary. 

When night fell, Lance couldn’t take it any longer and slipped out of the room, past a snoring Hunk and a working Pidge, to the roof of the building.

Letting the wind breeze through his hair and over his skin, Lance who, despite being born into a country of sun, enjoyed chilly weather the most and so wrapped into his blanket, he had no idea how much time he spent up there.

At one point his thoughts were interrupted by light footsteps, unmistakably Keith, approaching 

Without turning around he called out:„Hello Mullet, how ya doing?“ Come on Lance, you can do this, don’t show them your pain, don’t show them you’re weak. They can never see you under the mask or else they will now you’re not worth being here.

“Will you ever let my hair rest in piece?“

„Yeah sure, only if you cut it.“

Keith sat down, next to his teammate (friend? These day he was pretty sure that Lance hated him with how little they talked nowadays).

Turning to face Keith who now wore a faint smile, he felt his resolve crumble slightly. „You didn’t answer my question, how are you?“ maybe if Lance acted like his usual annoying self, Keith would leave him alone.

Despite a desperate voice in his head yelling a him to just talk to the other.

A sigh went past hs lips, before Keith answered: „I’m okay? Just missing someone. And you?“ 

„Who do you miss? If I can ask-“ Lance bit his tongue, because _dammit now he was being nosy and Keith would judge him, more than everyone else already does-_

“A friend of mine... he doesn’t seem to be himself any longer and if I’m being honest I miss that idiot. But now you didn’t answer my question. How are you? I haven’t seen you around that much, like at all. It’s so quiet nowadays.“ 

_He’s only glad you’re gone and him asking is just pity. Keith hates you. Don’t get your hopes up._

„Ah y’know I’ve been great, neglected my face care these past months so now I’m trying to catch up! I mean one of us has to look good right?“ Just be a brat and no one will pry further.

Apparently ‚No one‘ didn’t include Keith, if his squinting eyes and his mouth pressed into a thin line were anything to go by. „Yeah- you’re always taking care of your skin, but usually you’re doing that together with the others, what about your gaming nights with Pidge and Hunk? Spa time with Lotor? Not even Honvera has any clue what you’re up to. I somehow don’t think that your self care can be that elaborate. What about your friends? Are none of us important to you?“ 

And now Keith raised his voice...  
... Lance should’ve just shut his mouth

“Whatever dude, sorry for taking red so often, I really want to step back so catch ya later or not. Who knows?“

And with that he left Keith on the rooftop

_It would be for the best if I just step down._

* * *

In the end, Lance got no sleep, so he opted to call Allura and Coran, only to find out that this planet had no real connection whatsoever and so that's how Lance slouched to the area in which the Lions were located because they didn’t stay in the hanger, something something about signalising to the people that Voltron was here to protect them. He wasn’t entirely awake that briefing and zoned out (resulting in Shiro scolding him...)

Stepping to red, the only one who let her barrier down, he climbed into her cockpit and just talked.

He talked about everything, despite his eyes burning with all, previously unshed, tears steaming down his face, despite his heart and chest hurting so much, he talked through the screams and sobs.

Lance talked about his fear of not being good enough, about being hated, about losing all his friends, about Allura and Coran who were now his family, his homesickness, how much he missed his home, the sea and the rain.

He talked about how much his heart broke when Blue shut him out, about how he was always compared to Keith, never enough, how he was not fit to be a Paladin, and how much better Red was off with Keith becoming her full time Paladin again.

Lance talked until his throat hurt.

About how much Pidge‘s words hurt

About how much Shiro‘s disappointment stung

About how much Lotor‘s dissatisfaction with him slowly consumed him 

About how much he wanted to hate Keith for ruining his life and his self by being always compared to him. 

About how much the two closes people on this ship, Honvera and Hunk, distanced themselves from him

But in the end the only thought in his head was:

_If I was better I wouldn’t have these problems, we would still be friends_

* * *

What Lance didn’t hear was the apologetic rumble from Blue who lulled him to sleep at least for a bit.

He didn't hear Red vowing to protect him

He didn’t see Blue lowering her wall for him

He didn’t feel the other Lions joining Blue and Red in his mind.

* * *

4 and a half months after they visited the space mall the first time, they went back to get some parts for reparations.

This time, Lance was the first to go, leaving the other 6 behind, dumbfounded 

„No loudness? What is up with Lance these past weeks?“ Lotor was the first to return to realty

Scoffing, Keith added something that sounded suspiciously like: „I told you that Lance isn’t himself! But no you guys didn't care.“

In the end they went to grab coffee, or well, the space version of it, at the same place they picked Lance up from... maybe they’d find him there.

Upon stepping in they all felt as if all the worry fell from their shoulder, Honvera adding that this was most likely a strong Druid’s doing, before being met with the same woman that Lance was talking to last time, greeting them with a smile, a formal Altean greeting, directed towards Lotor and something they’d later learn is a tradition of high ranking Druids towards Honvera

„Hello Paladins of Voltron, how may I help you? Whatever you wish for, we can provide.“ 

All of them got something to eat and drink, all but Keith who couldn’t hold back the words seeping from his mouth: „Have you seen our other Paladin? His name is-“

She interrupted him with a gentle voice, saying that, yes Lance was indeed here, but would probably be more comfortable on his own at the moment.

No, this time Keith wouldn’t let Lance escape him again! „If you know where Lance is tell me... please.“

„You're Keith, right?-“ after a curt nod from him, she continued „Alright, follow me, if that is okay with the rest of your team.“

* * *

„Hey Lu, do you think a Pod could reach Earth?“ Lance‘s voice was drawling out.

Allura had led him to a side room, that somehow felt even more homely, in which Lance was lounging on a couch, head buried in a book.

Deciding to make it known to Lance that there was not only Allura present, Keith cleared his throat, before adding „No I think we‘re too far away at the moment for you to safely reach earth.“ 

When jumping up in surprise, the book in his hands fell onto the floor, making its title visible, something written in Altean  
“Wait you can read altean? I didn’t even know that.“ Keith was definitely impressed, because he knew for a fact that Pdge and Shiro, their resident smartasses, were struggling with the Language, Keith already had given up a long time ago, he could read Galran, so he was out, Hunk pretty much decided to procrastinate on studying it by learning other alien languages and generally they didn’t think Lance would achieve something none of them could. 

„Well, I guess I’m late with learning it but please don’t act so surprised, I may not be a Pidge but I am not fucking dumb! Despite what everyone seems to think.“ Lance snapped at him, before apologising profoundly, saying that he was just stressed, but that that was no reason for him to snap at with for actually conversing with him.

Shaking his head, Keith sat down on the other End of the couch, with a sigh  
“What happened during the time I was gone? You... you’re not acting like yourself“ 

„You say that as if it were a bad thing.“ was the monotonous reply, almost as if the other was tired of this.  
What _this_ was, Keith was yet to find out.

„Well, it’s definitely not a good thing. Look I suck at this emotion thing, but you now if you were happy with the way things are I‘d tell everyone to back off, but you don’t seem happy. I know we’re not as close as you, Hunk and Pidge and there is a high chance that you hate me, but I do consider you a close friend and I don’t like seeing you like this.“ 

At that, Lance finally looked him into the eyes, displaying the tears pooling up in his already reddened eyes „You... you consider me a friend?“

Voice cracking in the middle of the sentence, Keith heard how horrible the other boy was feeling, he may not know what Lance was feeling, but it was not good.

Keith leaned over, putting a reassuring hand on his arm, before being pulled into a hug by a, now full on sobbing, Lance.  
Has he gotten skinnier?

* * *

In the end their emotional conversation, Keith dubbed it bonding moment 2.0 maybe this time Lance isn’t a dumbass, was cut short by the others calling them to leave.

And so now they were in the training room, doing another Team bonding exercise, because Voltron didn’t function as well as it usually did nowadays.

So now they were repeating one of their first ever exercises, all of them laying open their deepest wishes and desires, all for the rest to see, because to quote Lotor: If there are no secrets between them, they would be a better team.

What no one was expecting was Lance refusing to do so

“I think you’re, once again, not understanding the gravitas of the situation! If Voltron can’t rely on it's Paladin, if we can’t rely on you the You’re thing more than a burden!“ Lotor, frustrated with the Cuban, began shouting.

But instead of blowing off steam and being the loud fuck up everyone expected Lance to be, he merely excused himself and calmly left the room.

* * *

In the end it was Honvera that caught him and lead him to one of the dozens of unused rooms  
“I know this might not be too much of a consolation but you said you missed rain... so I thought you might appreciate a bit of earth on this Ship.“ She said, a gentle smile on her lips

And to say that Lance was speechless was an understatement „I- Honvera.. you.. you- Thank you. But why? I’m just the teams least valuable member.“ 

Engulfing him, she insisted on him being as important as the rest of the team and adding that while he may be number 3 height wise, he would always be the number 1 in her heart.  
“You know my boy, you’re still a kid, don’t beat yourself up about not exactly knowing who you are, or what you want to do with your life. You all are still children forced to fight a war that isn’t yours and I know that Lotor often treats you like you’re soldiers, but you’re right just the way you are.“ 

That night Honvera and Lance were sitting on the couch, with food and hot chocolate, reviving one of their old traditions of telling each other stupid things that happened during their life’s (Honveras life was really wild!). When the conversation came to Allura and Coran (Corans life was also really wild, that they were both still alive was a miracle in itself) they too were invited.

He fell asleep with a faint smile on his lips, and the thought of _**Home**_ in his mind.

* * *

After some days of not feeling entirely useless or excluded, Lance hit a bad day again, a day in which he couldn’t get out of bed which would not further the teams impression of him slacking off.

During the time the others went on a mission, Lance finally got the energy to at least walk around a little bit, and went to the raining room, enjoying the fresh and clean air of the room, as well as the calming and tranquil atmosphere.

In the end Lance fully lost track of the time

Only coming back to reality, when he felt a gloved hand on his shoulder, Keith.

He smiled at the other who let him rest his head on his shoulder, unspoken agreement hanging between them, and despite the silence Lance felt as if the two of them grew closer than they were ever before.

* * *

Nowadays the halls were filled with more laughter again and while it still wasn’t the same as it used to be, the air still felt less oppressive and for that they were thankful.

But no matter how grateful they were, no one could shake off this feeling of dread that loomed over them, and they couldn’t ignore the tension that was till there either.

All in all, they should have been less surprised when they went for a diplomatic mission on a planet that was now for their emphasis on teamwork and were now resting in some hall in which they’d be assessed.

They failed, and Lance couldn’t blame them, but Pidge didn’t let that stop them from arguing about it, until one of them stepped forward, declaring: „The one in blue is not with you anymore. And without the blue your heart is no longer combined.“ 

Which did not go well with Pidge, Lotor or Shiro, because now they went off blaming Lance to the point where they had to be physically separated.

At that Hunk finally spoke up: „Are you guys serious? This is Lance! You can’t just... come on!“ turning to Lance he asked the boy, engulfed in a hug by Honvera and Keith, with tears streaming down his face if they could talk somewhere secluded

* * *

“Can I hug you?“ was hat Hunk decided to ask his friend after some awkward seconds of silence. A tiny nod was all it took for te two to fall into each other’s arms.

Hunk was Mumbling into his shoulder now abut how much he missed this and how much he missed them.

“Why did you leave me then?“ was the tired response that fell from is best friends lips, if he was even allowed to call him that.

At a loss of words, Hunk simply tightened his hug, trying to scramble for the right words to express his feelings, after all Hunk himself didn’t know how this happened.

“How did I lose my best friend? I just... why was I not good enough?“ Lance was now sobbing again.

After they finally calmed down they decided to talk in the way they used to when one of them went into sensory overload during school, by writing letters or short messages.

They ended their conversation with a 

_We will work this out together, we always do :)  
_ _I Just... I missed you, you’re my best friend and then you and Pidge left me. I know I’m not as smart or talented as you two but it still hurt-_

_—you have every right to be hurt. I don’t really know when or why it happened, but I know that Pidge and I do love you, you’re their older brother and you’re my brother and best friend. How could I be such a lousy friend? Lance! Don’t defend me, I was being a horrible friend, even if it wasn’t my intention the end was the same, no matter what the purpose was or not._

_Also Lance!!!! You might not be the definition of book smart but you should know just how clever you are. You’re great at reading people, you helped Pidge and me so often by bringing new impulses and Ideas for projects of us. You help everyone so much in your own way. And that is your intelligence, something none of us have. Don’t talk yourself down like this or I have to shake you for insulting one of the most important people in my life!_

“Keith told me you can speak or at least read Altean, so I swear to whatever deity is out there, you’re smarter than you think!“ 

„You can too it’s not that big of a deal.“ Lance mumbled to himself, which left Hunk really confused

“None of us really know Altean, what are you talking about?“

And if Lance‘s surprise was anything to go by they all really needed to show him how much they valued him.

Because they messed up and they probably were too close to losing their Lance

* * *

„No, Lance, Buddy, Bro, you know I love you but hat are you doing? The heat is too high for this!“ Hunk currently lectured Lance on his cooking, which was nice because it returned a form of normality and love into his life again.

And also their Bro-arguments „Hunk!!! My mama told me to do it like this so how dare you defy my mum! 

„Look, your mum can cook, you are.... meh.“ At that Lance really felt insulted and so they ended up ere.

Dumping space goo onto each other.

And accidentally hitting Pidge, who was calmly typing away on their computer, with some of it.

“Okay. THIS IS WAR YOU BASTARDS!“ 

This is how Lotor and Shiro walked into Pidge, Hunk and Lance fighting each other (even using their Bayards and shields...)   
And just turned around to leave the kitchen.

Needless to say they ended up, sticky everywhere and in a group hug.

* * *

That night when Lance went to shoo Pidge to sleep, they cried while pulling him into a hug.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I was a horrible friend. I’m sorry Lance!“ 

„What for? You did nothing wrong... I should be apologising for not being better.“

“NO! You.... you’re- you Idiot! _We_ messed up, not you. I just, I forgot that words can hurt I guess, and I didn’t realise how mean and nasty I really was. I’m not good at emotions, but I should’ve realised sooner. Should’ve been suspicious once the halls were empty and silent. I should’ve reached out earlier when you got skinnier and quieter. And- and most importantly I shouldn’t have let you feel my frustration and wrath, you don’t deserve that. And I would understand if you don’t want to have anything to do with me but... if then I want to make it up to you.“

Smiling, Lance tried to not show the tears pooling in his eyes  
_I got my friends back  
  
_„But before we have this entire emotion thing, get some rest okay? We’ll talk tomorrow, but yes, you’re forgiven, even if there isn’t anything to be forgiven.“

* * *

It took some time to mend the wounds and walls between them, but soon enough the garrison Trio was back to being as close as they never were before.

And even if Lance would never acknowledge it, their absence and distance had hurt him, a lot. But despite everything he was glad to have his friends back.

They found each other agin, even if Lance was still not entirely himself, still a fragment of pieces that no one noticed before, they would continue to mend each other.

The day Pidge and Hunk finally realised how much their brother was hurting, was the day in which Lance, already tired as they knew because they all cuddled him to sleep, messed up in training, after Shiro mused about how Lance should be more like Keith. And while they used to partially agree with their leader, who too was just really stressed at having 3 additional Kids put into his care, they now actually saw the consequences it had on Lance.

Where Lance, their Lance, used to laugh and crack jokes to relieve some of the tension that was building up during their time in space, this Lance was silent and just submitted to the scolding he received.

But what truly sealed the deal for everyone in the room was Lance‘s response  
a quiet „I know“ with his head bowed down.

“Well now that you finally acknowledge the facts, you’re gonna train more! And then maybe Blue will take you back, who knows? Lotor said, apparently ignoring the pained face of their blue Paladin, while continuing on about how much of an additional weight he was.

Until Honvera interrupted him „Lotor that is enough! You were prepared to fight, you’ve been for your entire life. They are all CHIRLDREN!“ that was he first time anybody heard Honvera raise her voice at someone on their team.

* * *

And while Honvera scolded Shiro and Lotor, Keith, Hunk and Pidge went to console and comfort Lance who was now crying on his knees.

“He is right, you’re not good enough, he’s right, you’re wrong, your existence is wrong, why- why-“ now choking on is own sobs and screams, Lance curled into himself, making himself small, while continuing to mutter self deprecating words to himself.

It all only stopped when Keith called Allura who then put him to sleep on the couch.

“Thank you Allura.“ Keith said with a thankful, yet sad smile while holding he sleeping Lance close to him, humming something to the figure.

“Okay who the fuck are you and what did you do to our Lance?“ And with these words from Lotor, Pidge and Hunk went ballistic

Pidge began screaming at the Prince about how this hasn’t been their Lance for months now, how they all had neglected and mentally tortured him. How little they had cared for him, how they took him for granted and how much they faked up.

„He is not _our_ Lance, you didn’t even notice how he changed, you didn’t notice his silence, his cries late at night, none of you noticed how much he neglected himself, how much he trains nowadays. Especially you two have no right to act like you ever knew him. Because if you did you wouldn’t have hurt him like that!.“ was Hunks calm, too calm, exclamation followed by a sigh, „Look, I get that you’re stressed and worried that we may die because we weren’t prepared but that doesn’t mean that you can just act as if Lance is not valued. I know that hasn’t been your intention but it still made him feel that way. Heaven knows we all messed up, I mean Pidge, Keith, Honvera and I, we also didn’t treat him right but to hear from the leader of the entire team and his childhood Idol to _be like someone else_ is torture. Especially for someone like Lance. So Fix. It!“

* * *

When Lance woke up he felt exactly two things 

1\. he had a massive headache  
2\. he was being cuddled by, wait let him count, 6 people (Allura, Coran, Honvera, Keith, Hunk and Pidge)

A smile flitted over his face, cuddling further into the nearest figure (Keith), until the events of the past day came back to mind.

“I’m sorry.“

With that he wriggled himself out of the pile, looking at the clock and finding out that it was still in the middle of the night (at least Pidge slept, so that was a plus) 

„Now for the other Insoniac.“ 

After stepping out from his room and walking around the castle, Lance tried to not think about the tugging in his heart.

He finally found Shiro after 10 minutes, pacing around the bridge.

“Shiro, go to sleep, you didn’t even hear me coming in.“ Lance called out, while Shiro flinched at the intruder.

“Can’t sleep.“ 

„Well I can put Pidge to sleep and you know that. Don’t test me.“ He laughed, happy that he was able to bring a smile to their leader’s face.

The black Paladin let out a sigh, before facing Lance „I’m sorry... ugh... I was trying to think of some huge apology but you know what. Fuck it! Don’t tell Keith I swore, he will never let me live that down.“ 

„You don’t have to I get what you’re trying to say, I get that you only want me to be better to not die or something.“ 

„That doesn’t mean it’s okay. Yes, I want you all to get better, but no because I don’t think you’re good enough but because I don’t want to lose you all. You are all talented in your own ways, yeah Keith might be the best soldier but you for example are the best at diplomacy. And I shouldn’t have neglected your individual talents... I guess I was selfish like that, I wanted you all to be more like with because I knew Keith would be the least likely to break from this entire thing, not just physically but also mentally. Yes he’s still suffering but I know that Keith could go back to earth and still be himself, while I know that you all definitely lost part of yourself in here.   
I... I’m sorry... I know that sorry doesn’t undo the damage that was done and I am also sorry for not realising how much you were hurting sooner... but I really hope that you may be able to forgive me one day.“

Lance went to hug Shiro, with some tears still drying and a happy smile on his face.  
“You’re forgiven, I know you were just watching out for us...“

* * *

„Lance. Lance, can we talk?“ Lotor yelled after him, a week after his talk with Shiro.

“Yeah sure what’s up?“ Lance tried to not show how much he dreaded a conversation with the Leader of the entire Coalition (or something like that) because it would most likely end with him having to give up his dream.

“Could- could you ever forgive me?“ 

„W- eh... what why would I have to forgive you.... wait that came out wrong! You didn’t do anything that you would have to as my forgiveness for.“ Lance scrambled to find the right words, apparently having lost his entire brain the second Lotor stepped into the room (his mind supplied that: _you were never really smart anyways_ and while he was learning to not listen to the asshole in his head, it all made so much sense to him)

“No. I should’ve done this earlier. I messed up and I... I shouldn’t have let my frustration out on you. Yeah, you may not be a Keith on the battlefield, but you’re a Lance in the battle, that is more than enough. You’re our sniper and sharpshooter after all, you saved us many times. But besides all of that, I tend to forget that you were just thrown into this war without preparation. I trained my whole life for things like this and.... I automatically assumed that you lot were too, especially when seeing Keith and Shiro, I didn’t know that these were the exception.   
I get if you don’t want to have anything to do with me, but...“ 

He took a deep breath before continuing „I gave you especially a hard time, I saw how much unused potential you have and I thought that... it doesn’t matter what I thought or why, I screwed up. You were the one chosen by two lions, Blue chose you despite having 4 other potential Paladins there, Red chose you... I now you think that it was merely out of necessity, which is only half of the truth.  
You know how Red was my dads lion? Yeah, so I had a connection to the Lions from birth n and technically red would’ve been the one for me, given that she also chose my dad... but red chose you, and I can’t blame her. You’re definitely more fit for red than I am. As for blue shutting you out... if she didn’t, you wouldn’t have left her... and she wouldn’t have let you leave. You think only red misses her Paladin. Blue does too. You’re more capable than you even know and part of it is my fault.“ 

He leaned forward to kiss their blue Paladin on the forehead, something very similar to what Allura did, an altean blessing „I’m sorry, even if you don’t want to admit that we hurt you, we did and we are at fault.   
I consider you lot family... but I really messed up and for all that I did for everything you were hurting I sincere apologise.“ 

„Thank you“ was what Lance opted to say (choke out through the tears was more fitting but shh)

* * *

No they would never go back to their previous self, no matter how often they apologised or wished for a rewind.

But things didn’t have to be the same, they didn’t have to be the same.

What returned to was the laughter in the castle, the shouting at each other while playing killbot, the cuddle and movie marathons, the excruciating training (but now more tailored to each personal strengths and weaknesses) 

But a lot also changed

They got a cow (Kaltenecker was truly the best, thy all loved her and the milkshakes Lance created), Allura and Coran were formerly introduced to the team and were now living in the castle (they also found out that Lotor and Allura were actually half siblings, that was a whole disaster in itself, but now these two and Lance were an inseparable trio of drama queens... Allura tried to fake her death because she tripped over her feet in front of a cute girl and her now girlfriend Romelle)  
They all got closer, and Lance could finally call the castle **Home** and the team his **Family** , and one day, Lance would introduce his two families that was certain!

“Hey what's got you grinning like that?“ a voice asked from behind him, before he felt a body swinging itself over the back of the couch and tightly hugging him 

„Nothing... just how much things changed, how much we changed... and him much of a drama queen Allura is.“ 

„HEY! You thought you would die when Keith winked at you! Your bi disaster ass is not allowed to judge me.“ Allura yelled from the kitchen, making Lance blush and the figure next to him snort

“Didn’t know you were that affected by me.“ 

„Hey!“ 

Keith, now fully laughing at his misery, that bastard, had the audacity to add: „For someone as flirty as you you’re damn awful at being flirted with-“

“Language!“ someone (shiro) yelled from the door

“Yeah whatever, captain America“  
„‚Damn‘ really isn’t the worst thing... besides you-“ 

At that Shiro‘s prosthetic hand held his mouth shut „I thought we collectively agreed to never speak about that it do you want me to tell everyone about the Horus Incident?“ 

Keith and Lance shivered at that memory „You wouldn’t dare!“

“Try me!“

Needless to say it ended in a pillow fight (Keith initiated it by bonking Shiro over the head with it... somehow that was violent... the Paladins would never understand Shiro and Keith‘s talent at making everything violent and dangerous) 

„Thank you for not leaving me alone. I love you all“ Was what Lance whispered to his team during a particularly sensitive and emotional moment, that ended with a group hug.

* * *

Additional part: The Horus Incident:

They were currently within the halls of the royal castle of the Planet Horus, for a diplomatic meeting.  
And now, 5 hours after they began this, all the Paladins were more tired than tired, so once they were excused everyone scrambled to get to their rooms to sleep.

In the end Shiro had to pick up Lance and Keith who fell asleep on the floor tangled up together.

Pickng up, had meant slinging them over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes and effectively dumping them onto the bed

The only reason they had found out about their sleep mishap was because they were the ones on security check up duty (read: Horus had some weird security cameras that taped this entire thing.... and soon the tape suddenly disappeared... but Shiro still remembered)

**Author's Note:**

> Additional Lore: Allura’s greeting words are laced with a spell, that brings one‘s deepest wish forward, but depending on how desperately you want this something, you can either regulate your words (i.e. Voltron) or you’re blurting it out (Lance and Keith)
> 
> Retrouvailles – ‘refindings’, referring to the reunion you would have with someone you care deeply for but haven’t seen in a long time. 
> 
> Okay so this was inspired by a tweet (forgot the tweet... if you find it tell me so I can give credit lmao)


End file.
